Excerpted from You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded), by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. Published by Waterbrook Press, 1999.

She was probably in her late fifties, and she was crying as she approached me after one of my Strong-Willed Child seminars.

"I did everything wrong," she sobbed. "I did and said all those things to my daughter that you just told us won’t work." She took a deep breath and began to explain how she had tried to "bully" her daughter into submission, frequently using threats and severe punishment. "My daughter is grown now," she said sadly, "and she’s working as an attorney in California. She returns all of my letters unopened, and refuses to communicate with me in any way. How can I even tell her how sorry I am?"

Unfortunately, this mother’s plight is like dozens of other parents I have spoken to over the years. So many who tell me essentially the same thing: "Where were you twenty years ago?" "It’s too late now—my Strong-Willed Child is grown." "Why didn’t I know this when I could still do something about it?"

It’s Never Too Late to Say You’re Sorry

The fact is, you can do something about it. It’s never too late, as long as both you and your SWC are living, to begin the process of healing your relationship. For this particular mother, the solution turned out to be mailing the video tape called "Who’s Gonna Make Me?"* to her daughter with a brief, boldly lettered note on the outside that read: "Here’s what I did wrong—I’m sorry."

She and I both agreed there was a good chance her SWC attorney-daughter would find it hard to resist the urge to at least take a look at what her mother claimed was an admission of guilt. Once the ice was broken, perhaps they could both talk about the past in less personal terms. I also reminded this mother that she did not have to apologize for the outcomes she had desired—self-discipline, good manners, personal responsibility. Her apology was for how she often demanded those outcomes were achieved.

Parents of SWCs who are teenagers seem especially troubled when they find out how different things could have been if they had known more about how the SWC mind works. There are many perils in parenting adolescents, and understanding the SWC’s reasons for behavior and misbehavior can greatly reduce the areas of conflict. Is it too late for a rebellious teenager to begin to get along with her parents?  

If you are feeling like you "blew it" and wish you could have another chance to improve the communication between you and your SWC, I’ve collected a few tips from my SWC prodigal friends to give you some ideas for bringing them back.

1. Start leaving notes. Point out what you like, what you appreciate. Thank your SWC for something; give praise for a good idea. Even a quick sticky note on a bedroom door can speak volumes. If your SWC has left home, send notes in a greeting card or occasional small gifts.

2. Apologize for insisting on always doing things your way. Explain the outcomes your were trying to achieve and let your SWC know you are open to other suggestions for achieving the same goal.

3. Don’t let your SWC scare you away or make you angry. Hang in there! Let us rant and rave if we must, but you remain unmoved when it comes to offering your love. We may tell you there’s no hope; we may claim we hate you; we may insist all is lost. But do not believe it! We just have to make sure you won’t actually give up on us.

4. Be consistent. We SWCs will watch for a "chink in the armor." We’ll be suspicious that your new attitude won’t last. Try to enlist the help of another family member and use a code word or phrase. When you are talking to your SWC and your team member hears things begin going downhill, they can say the code phrase and alert you to what’s happening.

5. Find a way to reconnect. If your SWC has left home, try re-establishing contact by sending a copy of this book to your SWC with a note similar to the one in the beginning of this chapter. By mentioning that the contents may explain what you did wrong, two things can happen: 1) your SWC may be intrigued enough to read it; 2) your SWC may realize what he or she did wrong as well.